It’s actually really funny that this guy would say this to me at the gym today. I mean, he and I see one another all the time at the gym. I won’t lie there is often eye flirtation. He has a great body–always doing lunges in front of me with his 35 lbs kettle ball, planks for over two minutes, and alternating push ups… these are things that turn me on when I am working out.  A girl has to have a guy like him to keep her long runs interesting. We’re talking 2 hours on a treadmill sometimes. I need something to get me through the long runs I train for and he is my eye candy.

OKAY…anyway…

It’s funny he mentioned radical honesty and the fact that he got it from a book—

You see, recently, I finished reading “The Guinea Pig Diaries” by A.J. Jacobs. In said book there’s a section where Jacobs discovers radical honesty uses it for a period of time…siting examples of how other men choose to use this theory. This was my gym reading material for when I was using the bike to cool down after my runs for about a week.

The man picked up the same book.

Read the book.

AND then used one of the concepts on me…

When I mentioned to him that he got the idea from AJ Jacobs he looked at me funny and realized it was ME. I am the girl with the AJ Jacobs book. He then choose to divulge his gym crushes and that he wasn’t sure which one was the one that sent him in the direction of THE GP DIARIES…

I admired his honesty and found it almost sexy.

I found myself embarrassed for “calling him out” and for being slightly turned on by this crass pick up line.

“WHY I NEVVVVAAAA…”

My gym eye candy then went on to compliment my thighs and the way they look when I run. Specifically, the way my ass looks in my Under Armour shorts as my feet hit the treadmill, “perfect bounce”.

Ten minutes of strange flirting and me hitting his shoulder playfully and giggling like I was single he asked me out on what might be one of the coolest sounding dates ever.

“So why don’t you let me take you out sometime? I’ve got a cousin that owns a warehouse where you can play paintball. It’s awesome and you seem like the kind of girl who wants to play rough. After wards we can grab a couple of slices, drink some Chianti, and go back to my place. I might try to sleep with you but I wouldn’t make you stay because you seem like the girl who wouldn’t stay on the first date. I’m not offending you am I?”

—-”uhh…not really.”

“I’d rock your world. How does it sound?”

—-”I’m not going to lie…it sounds awesome and strangely enough I’d be totally into this idea of paintball, eating pizza,drinking disgusting wine, and having hot nasty sex. Seriously, I think you might have me dead on…but I have a boyfriend and I doubt he’d like it if I went on doing these kind of things with my gym eye candy.”

“boyfriend? man…”

—-”I’m sorry but seriously thanks for asking.”

“don’t think I won’t ask again sweet ass.”

—-giggling

“Can I get your number?”

—-”sure.”

And with that I might be a terrible person.

Generally, I find myself in awkward situations. Running into a baby branch and looking like I suck on trees for fun in front of cute boys, dropping a bag of glass bottles (obviously from the vodka store), sitting next to a woman reading Playgirl on the train, opening a bag of chips and finding a foreign object the size of a dead mouse, resembling a dead mouse, inside— these kinds of things happen to me ALL the time. 

However, for as random as most of my days are, today kind of stuck out. Ethan has this new European reality star as one of his new clients and had to go abroad for the week. A lot of my free time is stuck on homework, keeping my apartment up, or hanging out with him. These kind of things happen when you get older. You spend a lot of time with your significant other. Not only does it make you a little less interesting but it makes you slightly more wise and slightly more introspective. So yeah- Ethan- gone, you guys all get that with him gone I suddenly have  all the time to think about people, places, and things that I have done or want to do…

Situation : Thing remembered : Conclusion

I had to drive to Maryland to pick up a large check that could not wait even another day to be deposited. : I have dumbass older brothers. : Never trust an older brother to mail you something important on time.

—While on my drive:

Restaurant where my brother left me alone while I was deathly ill so he could go recoup and ruin my life : I hate my youngest older brother : Sad, driving and seeing somewhere that makes me feel like the worst person imaginable.

Sign on the road asking, “Got leprosy?” : Made me think about all of the strange ailments I’ve had in my life and how lucky I am to be healthy now : I hope I never get leprosy, knock on wood.

Flowers- peonies, my favorite : Pete bought me peonies for our first anniversary. It made me cry. Literally, one of the nicest moments of that entire relationship. I missed him for a minute and then remembered he’s a douche bag. : Never date anyone that would ever potentially join a car club or get a blow job from a fat whore on vacation.

6 CD changer an old CD, unlabled, thought- “I wonder what CD this could be?”: CD Ben made for me. It made me cry listening to it because even from a stupid freaking cd I felt the love that was there. : Called him twice, no pick up. Texted him, no response. Kind of hate him. Kind of love him. His assholeness makes me realize I can get over him completely.

—-

Just a thought: I’m a bitter betty on this blog. Sorry I am not very interesting these days. Law school is taking it out of me and the only time I have to bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch is on my dumb ass blog.

Right now I am have in bed with Ethan in Baltimore. The rain outside is hitting the thin glass sheets they call windows in my “skylight” inside of the bathroom and we’re just doing work under the covers. The Talking Head’s, “Stop Making Sense” DVD is playing faintly from my computer and I’m just really happy listening to David Byrne croon out the tune “Heaven”. Its almost magical the amount of joy I’m getting from simply typing this blog post, listening to the rain and David Byrne, with Ethan by my side.

I don’t think I give him enough credit at times. He’s kind of perfect for me in that we’re on “vacation” and him and I both manage to have hours upon hours of work that we want to do everyday. What is life without someone that wants to spend it the way you do? Its great being in bed next to Ethan. He looks sexy as hell right now. I love that his hair is wavy and almost curly. That his chest hair doesn’t gross me out but rather intrigues me. The way he looks through his glasses onto his macbook pro with pert lips and furrowed brow. How he nonchalantly can recall random facts about whatever song comes up when he seems as if he’s not paying any attention at all…and subtly touch my thigh to let me know he’s enjoy my company.

Yes indeed I think all I want to do is be here and as I type this very sentence “This Must Be the Place” comes on. (How cheesy?)

conclusion:

For as much as I consider myself worldly, well traveled, or a person that needs to be elsewhere I am at home in Baltimore. People hate on the city but whenever I’m here I’m my best. I have relative “space” from my family. The best friends in the world. A beautiful house that I will never sell…and an overall sense of goodness. That’s right, New York, Baltimore has you bested.

All I want to do is “grow up”—work hard, be in love, and have a life in Baltimore (slash where ever I take my vacation several times a year)— Perks of not having children I guess?

This year has been kind of big in our family.  I have managed to acquire not one, not two, but…three new nephews from my two most interesting siblings. My younger sister and my youngest older brother—

Redman Lucas and Dalton Collin were born to my sister and her husband over the summer and Jasper Jack was born to my brother and his wife 3 days ago.  (Where these people get their names from I will never understand. –actually, I do know where they got them: Redman from a book my sisters husband read about his family’s history, Dalton from a prep school my sister’s husband went to—Jasper from my sister-in-law’s book club friend and Jack is a family name I’ve never particularly favored.)

But yes, I had a point, so these children were born and because some how my sister and has reconciled with my brother (long story and it should be noted that no one likes my brother and I hope you’re reading this) they are baptizing their children together.

Personally, I am not religious but I do really love baptisms for some reason. Born and baptized an Episcopalian (mother)- raised Catholic (father)- rebelled against all religion (college)- found a need for goodness towards all and explored Unitarianism—fell in love with a Jew and began converting, broke up with the Jew but loved the religion finished converting(now so similar to my oldest brother)—so  I guess technically I am Jewish now. My boyfriend is Jewish, he thinks I am more Jewish than him, I’m so confused.  ANYWAY- I do love religious ceremonies and traditions. I can’t help it. I find them incredibly relaxing and some how they connect me to comfort.
I think when you’re a baby you are this little pure thing. Non corrupted by anything. You just live and as you grow older you learn the things your parents are about and you slowly become little parts of them. When you come from a big family you are bound to be a little bit like everyone- even if you despise some of them. It just happens and when I go to these baptisms I wonder what this little person is going to be like. For the sake of the world I hope Jasper is nothing like his parents but there could be worst things.

I am home for Thanksgiving and to see my nephews be recognized by God. So that if they die randomly they will have a little place in heaven.

Yesterday I drove from New York to Baltimore in the most disgusting weather.  I got the finger at least 30 times, nearly rear ended 3 different people, was almost side swiped by morons 5 times, screamed at the top of my lungs from literally not moving for over 10 minutes (yes I put my car in park), and cried when I reached my home street. I drove because I thought it would be a good idea to have a car in my home city. You know, since I am going to be home for over a week.  my boyfriend had it right all along: Penn Station to Penn Station Acela style—

As I am from Baltimore one of my favorite venues is a place called “Sonar”…Sonar has been a venue for my disgusting or more appalling behavior throughout the years. It has seen me puking in the corner during the Beastie Boys, having sex in the same corner during Princess Superstar, smoking pot and bobbing my head during the Pixies, and wearing a belly shirt (yes, a for real real belly shirt) during Wu Tang—Sonar is a club that gets artists that were hot at some point and now not so much. I recognize that some of my examples are classics but understand this are their albums being played on the radio? This notion that Sonar gets awesome musicians after their prime kind of excites me because on December 11th the Fan Appreciation Tour will hit Sonar. Chris Brown will grace the stage and sing such hits are “Run It,” “Kiss Kiss”, and “Forever” and somehow I find myself DIEING to go.

I can’t help it. Something inside of me wants to see the man that brutalized the “Disturbia’s” singer’s face…I want to see him sing. I want to see him address the audience. I want to see the people of Baltimore’s reaction to him. I want to know where the loyalty is. Do people love RiRi? Or are their girls dumb enough to think they’re the next girl for Chris? I am curious to see the people in attendance of this concert ! And so I am tempted. I am sitting here looking at my screen contemplating purchasing 41 dollar Chris Brown tickets. Knowing that my money is supporting his cause in hopes of seeing that we as a society are truly becoming an Idiocracy.

What to do…what to do??

I think I have a final that day- hopefully, I am right.

Today was kind of a big day. My estranged brother and I met at Crumb for cupcakes and coffee today to discuss the renovation of my house and to “catch up”. Naturally, it began with my brother calling me out for dressing a little to much like girl that wants to get fucked by her boss for a promotion. (I wasn’t sure if I should vomit)….Then came the guilt trip about how he’s always done the right thing by me and that I let a certain “homosexual” boyfriend of mine take advantage of me and that I should have left him to die because he was pathetic. (This of course isn’t true and I will always hate a large part of my brother over this event…but I digress) Then there’s an instant discussion about what a moron our younger sister is, how our mother is essentially a functional alcoholic, our older brothers are prude losers that have basically had their balls chopped off, and that I have to get crown molding in the kitchen because its all the range in home renovations right now.

Needless to say I was overwhelmed by gossip and prospects this afternoon. I appreciate my brother because he’s one of the most direct assholes you will ever meet. He doesn’t beat around the bush to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings (not even his own children)—he will ALWAYS tell you how he feels, even if its unsolicited. Anyway, he’s invested in a new company in Baltimore that does historic home reservations and my home in Baltimore qualified for this renovation under the historic society’s funding (blah blah blah, no idea what he was talking about)—but yeah, my house is occupied by 3 roommates and there’s an extra room that’s mine for whenever I am in town…and apparently my roommates need to get out for three weeks. My brother then informs me that he got them suitable lodging. When asked about what “suitable” meant he responded “suitable for people like your roommates”…and decided to leave it knowing he had put them up in some horrendous living situation.

Of course. Of course.

After a mind spinning conversation with my brother and entirely too much refined sugar in my system I arrived home to find my darling boyfriend asleep in my bed…directly in the middle of bed reading a bride magazine. I couldn’t help but wonder, “am I attracted to men with latent homosexual feelings? what the fuck is wrong with me?” —and with all my might I pushed Ethan to the very edge of the left side of the bed and told him to wake the fuck up and get out.  THEN I realized that his hand was in his boxers…there were tissues on the floor…and that my wireless was out…Ethan had come to my apartment to take a break from work and masturbate (sorry I am calling you out, its so necessary) when he porn wasn’t readily available he flipped through an old bride magazine circa 2008 when I thought I was going to marry Ben at some point and jerked off to some girl that was wearing the dress I hoped to one day wear.

I’m sorry but I cant help but laugh. My boyfriend whacks it to Bride magazine… my brother tells me horrible things…I want to see Chris Brown…—and I can’t even take a nap in my apartment without wondering what my life’s purpose is.

Honestly- as I sit here thinking about my day all I can really find hope in is my nephew’s statement on a voicemail:

“Auntie, I really wanted to talk to you because you are so normal and William stole my Darth Vader you gave me.”

_

You know you’ve made it when your nephew can make a compound sentence talking about your normalcy and Darth Vader.

I decided to end the day with an extremely vegan dinner and a really unhealthy pumpkin pie. I looked up a recipe online…it was disgusting. Horrible.

All I have left to show for my day is a Bride Magazine with jizz on it.

Maybe I will buy those Chris Brown tickets after all.

So today is my Anne Marie day. I am going to get my AM on. Basically, we’re going to walk around the park with the dog until he hates us. Then we’re going to do absolutely nothing but our own thing in one another’s company.

If it was legal to marry your 3rd same sex cousin I’d do it.

Part of me feels as if I have been living in my childhood the last 23 years. Its as if I went to sleep 23, woke up 24, and suddenly I am an adult.

There isn’t a mommy to make me breakfast in bed. (Thanks for those)

There isn’t a daddy to call on the phone for advice. (Rest in Peace)

No longer do my brothers punch me on my shoulders and call me a loser.

No longer does my sister pull my hair or tell me I’m a bitch.

No longer can I sit in bed for hours reading the NY Times, drinking tea, and listening to NPR for hours on end…for entire days only getting out to use the restroom or to possibly bath.

No longer does the concept of free time exist. Task now replace the boring and mundane.

An open hour? Well, I can go to the dentist, pick up my dry cleaning, buy that birthday present for Ethan, call and cancel my magazine subscriptions,  or wait for an apple care person to talk me through an itunes transfer. There’s this new list that only gets longer. Sure, I cross things off the list. But for every one thing I complete there are literally 5 new things added.

When did my life get so defined by the things I have to do? The future defines my present. That is creepy. I always saw this coming but never so soon. It happened to my brothers when they had children, to my sister when she was attempting to graduate early, to my OLDER friends and family…but not to me. I was the carefree one. I was the one to pick up and go, to do nothing for hours upon hours, to decide it was a good day to get a new boyfriend, order Chinese food, or paint my living room.

I would blame law school if I could. Law school seems as if it would be one of those daily tasks that forces you to be a grown up but it doesn’t…law school is pretty easy. Its something I do for fun. I get pleasure from learning. If I don’t want to go, I don’t have to become a lawyer. I have a degree, half of a masters, experience in the work force—amazing references, family connections, and a pretty face. I mean, lets be real I could be out there doing a job but I choose law school.

Its the other things that are to blame.

Dating is a job.

Managing my home and all the things that relate to it is a job.

Paying my bills is a job.

Being social is a job.

They all require time and effort because without them my life wouldn’t be. I’d be a waste—and now that the things I choose consume some of the time of the things I need to do I feel like I am constantly catching up.

Don’t get me wrong. I am the happiest I’ve been in a long time…its just hard after a 20 hour day (ny, bmore, ny,—QUEENS, home) to conceptualize that this is life. A long list that always gets longer.

Luckily, a lot of things on the list are good right now.

Like responding to Ethan’s current text message—

“Is it just me or is there an inordinate amount of obese people in in T-Squ lately?”

To which I will respond—

“No way, lots of obese people wandering around looking for Carson Daly. Too bad he’s long gone and the line into the Hershey store is 2 miles long.”

List (hopefully to be completed tomorrow)-

-NY Times Crossword

-Ny Mag Crossword

-Brunch with Anne Marie and Logan

-5 Mile Run

- Brief reading

- Law Review examples

- Research for Constitutional

- Dinner with Ethan

- Long dog walk

- Ordering Playgirl for the month Levi Johnston is in it

- Phone conversation with one of three brothers

- Phone conversation with a few nieces and nephews

-Moisturize my hair

-Diary

-Email nine billion people

-Work on my self esteem

-Schedule my week

-Rebuy “Stop Making Sense” dvd, scratched it this weekend….

AND IT ONLY GOES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON…la la la

With nearly every email I ever got from my ex I archieved. He was so sweet and ‘honest’…and I decided to go back and delete them all. I wanted to purge myself from everything him because after attempting to be his friend and his constant rejection (unless he wanted to talk dirty, clearly his weakness) I finally have the courage to dislike him. This is huge for me and it probably comes from find love with Ethan.

In the process I reread some of the emails he sent me.

I will give him this- he loved me sweetly. I will give him this- he was amazing. I will give him this- he tried reallyard for our relationship and I did NOT always make it easy.

However, he had a problem…and I am not going to call him out specifically…but he had a very secret side a dirty side a side I would never have been able to forgive and as much as he loved me…he could give up. I knew about it. I caught him red handed in it and now its my fuel.

I hope his new girlfriend finds out before its too late.

I also believe (in my cunty heart of hearts) (and sorry Ethan)—that him and I were perfect for one another. It just wasn’t ever going to happen. Life tortures us that way. I honestly believe part of him truly feels missing without me because I feel that way about him. However—Id much rather long for something tortured than keep pretending it would have worked.

I love my relationship with Ethan because he’s wonderful.

Because he sticks with me.

Because he’s the funniest guy I know.

ALSO…because he doesn’t like dudes.

Also…because he says what he means.

Also…because he trust me to call him out.

Also…because we just work.

I know its taken me a long time to get here…but I’m here and all I have to say now:

THANK GOD.

Good Luck—Nicki? Nikki? (lolz)

(okay that was bitchy, I think he told me her name was Nicole. She’s probably awesome and blonde. She probably loves Florida. But let’s be real- she’s no me.)

SERIOUSLY—I gotta stop with this cuntiness.

OKAY… Lawbrary time. BOO.

1. I haven’t returned a call from him in 48 hours.

2. I haven’t seen him since last Friday.

3. I could be dead and he’d literally have no idea.

4. He hopes that I am not dead because he wouldn’t have gotten to say, “you’re a bitch, but, (long pause) I’m in love with you.”

5. Yes he told me he was in love with me, seriously, for the first time via voicemail.

6. He hopes I still have 1. a great ass and 2. some good excuses.

I thought I’d do my update via my blog (that I haven’t updated in a while)—- a long long while. OKAY ADORING FANS. Hi, mom.

1. I am a law student. The amount of time and effort it takes is unreal. (Yes, I am admitting challenge in school.)

2. I have officially run 2 marathons within 2 weeks of one another. (Yes, my body hates me. No, I haven’t been able to walk right since Sunday.)

3. I have lame excuses.

4. I dropped my Blackberry in a puddle.

5. I had a giant party in my honor on Friday. I think I called my ex- I have been feeling so frustrated that I “drunk” dial him because my confusion by him has officially turned into hate. Sincere, dislike. I used to turn a blind eye on his mysterious behavior and lies—and for a long time I convinced myself of his wonderfulness and since he’s been shitty as hell my ability to forget the shadiness is fading. I really wanted to have a good view of him for the rest of my life. I think I call him out of habit because he turns me on sexually. (Sorry Ethan, you turn me on like crazy but when I am drunk and want to cum I guess I think about the biggest hornball I know…and its not you. I’m sorry I’m a horny girl when I drinky. I do know that you forgave me because you were in bed with me when I did this. If my timeline works out. )

5a. Never let people buy you shots of Grey Goose and expect to make any sense of your night.

5b. Remind your boyfriend he’s kind of freaking awesome for letting you “do you”.

—-So, I am going to write my darling friend a letter because he’s in Afganistan and I couldn’t be prouder of him.

THEN I am going to read for pleasure for as long as I can keep my eyes open because it couldn’t make me happier.

THEN I am going to brush my teeth, wash my face, and do my routine AND I won’t apologize for the length of my routine.

THEN, FINALLY, I will call you Ethan. It might be tomorrow. It might be in an hour and 15 minutes…but at some point I will call you because…

i love you too.

Its so nice to be back in New York with this glorious fall weather.  Opening up my little winter trunks and pulling out my fall staples. Sweaters, tights, dresses, and boots. There’s nothing better than a pair of beautiful legs in dainty tights and a fierce pair of boots. I can’t  help but play dress up in the morning. Getting ready with the option of layering adds a totally new dynamic to my day. I find it thrilling being able to plan how things can be converted from law school chic to sexy my boy friend works in finance and thinks he’s a baller therefore needs a sexy baller girlfriend look.

My body still aches and pains all over has relished in luxurious fabrics. ( Call me Bobby Trendy–luxurious!) draped tees and sweaters baggy sweat pants…I looked like a liberal arts college professor all day yesterday so I had to step it up today.

First I put on a new pair of tights I got at Target. Normally, I wouldn’t advocate Target tights. Cheap tights tend to tear right in the crotch, make a swish swish noise when your thighs touch, and lose their pigmentation when you wash them—but these embroidered tights were kind of fabulous. They reminded me of vintage Myrna…sweet, simple, and understated—yet charming and sexy. Pair with my favorite vintage RL skirt (circa 1982…whatever year my mom wasn’t pregnant and going through her anorexic stage) and the softest plain white tee shirt imaginable (see Urban Outfitters) ….I looked darling. Booties? Nah…Riding boots? Appropriate but I wanted something show stopping… vintage doc marten mary janes… PERFECT. The outfit was very nice…but right when I stepped outside of my building the chill of 52 degrees hit my body.

MUST GET SWEATER! MUST GET WARM! CHILLLLY CHILL CHILL! I called Ethan and told him to go fuck himself with his “it’s probably going to be jeans and tee shirt whether today” prediction. It was a fall day. A real fall day. consistently 52-56 degrees. Breeze. Hint of sun. A jacket would be perfect in this weather but I couldn’t find one that went with the skirt. A sweater! Ah, a sweater would be wonderful. Nothing quite goes with this skirt thought. Bold brings take away from it. Bright colors don’t match. Black is boring. Until I grab my green “joke” sweater. This sweater has a small bird house on it that my daring boyfriend Zabar gave me. I couldn’t fathom wearing a sweater with a birdhouse on it until today…some how everything clicked and I was walking along Park Avenue near all the doctors and lawyers offices getting approving looks from nice Jewish mothers and attractive men that probably wanted to cheat on their wives with me.

Yeah, I said it.

After my look at me display I decided to get real and go on with my day.

I did my school work, went to the grocery, and did about an hour and 15 minutes worth of yoga while listening to my podcast of NPR’s morning edition. I’ve honestly become a weird grandma…

Ethan came over for dinner. I made stuffed peppers in a way I never have before. Using orange bell pepper, pepper jack cheese, HOT chicken italian sausage, onion, tomato, and a brussle sprouts (you read right)…it was so banging.  I swear.  You can ask my vegetable phobe boyfriend too. Something about the combined taste were like an orgasm in your mouth.

Now we’re just laying in bed. Ethan is trying to convince me we should have sex. I am feeling a little Judith-esque and wanting to give him lotion and put on my Ben inspired porn collection for him.

(sorry honey, I know you’re reading this at work and shaking your head…lucky for you one 5 people read my blog on the regular.)

BUT ITS TRUE! I’m sleepy at 1041 at night. So I am going to bed.

NA NIGHT